My surgeon called and left a message just now. Of course, I wasn’t expecting a call on a holiday eve and didn’t have the ringer turned on. (I think I’m one of the few in today’s American society that doesn’t keep my phone grafted to my fingers…To be honest, I would be just fine if I never had to physically talk on the phone – just text me instead so I can deal with interaction whenever I’m ready. The joys of being an introvert…) Anyway, she was happy to report that the margins were clear. Which of course makes me pretty excited!
I will be discussing the results of the pathology report with her when I go to get my stitches removed in a few days. I’m really looking forward to getting those out, although I worry a bit about that since it seems like I’ve got some puffy spots still. Hopefully, she doesn’t tell me I’ve got to leave those sutures in there because I’ve got a bit of an infection. I’ve been switching out the Aquaphor for Neosporin to get the puffy parts of the wound to go down. It burns quite a lot if I move my leg in the wrong direction (i.e. any way except for the exact position that I’m sitting in now – you know, the position that is making my back ache like crazy but at least it doesn’t feel like there’s a colony of fire ants residing in my legs either…).
And of course, there’s the little matter of that new spot on my shin. I keep asking my husband to look at the new whatever-you-want-to-call-it. He doesn’t remember what my pink melanoma looked like when it first appeared back in the Spring. Obviously, he wasn’t paying enough attention to me then… And I definitely remember when that popped out, but now I’m super paranoid so I’m no use in identifying this either. Guess I’ll just have to wait for qualified medical personnel and patience is definitely not one of my stronger virtues in the best of times.
So, I’ve got good initial news on this, which is a nice way to wrap up what I can honestly claim to be the most challenging year. Seriously, Dickens won’t mind the plagiarism when I say it was the best of times (first half of 2014 with the new job, new city, new condo – all of which made me extraordinarily happy with how things were going) and the worst of times (second half of 2014 with horrible marital issues, trying to decide whether to divorce, and getting a cancer diagnosis – none of which made me remotely happy with how things were going). The funny thing is – I hate drama…I could be very happy with being very boring. I really don’t understand why people manufacture drama since just living can give you more ups and downs than a roller coaster.
I keep trying to look for the lesson that I’m supposed to be taking away from all of this. I know I need to start taking better care of me for a change (and really, 2015 is going to be the year that I at least drink more water than Diet Coke, and actually schedule the monthly massages I keep promising myself I will get). I do worry too much about taking care of other people’s needs over my own, but what woman can honestly claim otherwise? This whole cancer experience maybe is good for my marriage. Before, my husband was definitely taking me for granted. And then suddenly, there’s a potential that I’m not always going to be around. And I don’t mean in the “I’m taking the cat and half the furniture with me” way. I mean in the “I’m drafting a will and I’m going to cut you out of it” kind of way. He has been way more attentive to me lately; although I worry about how he’s going to be when I’m not in a “recovery” phase. I guess we’ll see on that. And I wonder how I’m going to be when I’m not in a “recovery” phase. Am I going to start actually living the way that I want to – a life that contains more travel, more art, more love, more NHL games? For the last 5 years, I’ve actively subverted my hopes, dreams, and wishes for what I thought was a noble, joint cause. And what did I get for that? Apparently, I got cancer… WTF?
I’m not usually one for New Year’s resolutions because those broad, sweeping, grand resolutions usually go by the wayside by February. I mean, it’s highly unlikely that even with surgical help, a team of stylists and make-up artists, and an infusion of cash into my bank account that I’m ever going to look like Salma Hayek (I’m not even Latina for crying out loud, although she does look amazing and even being a blond version of her would be quite a feat). But this year, I am going to set some small but concrete goals – my 2015 bucket list, if you will…Maybe I’ll even post it to keep me honest…