With the implosion of my marriage and the ongoing pandemic ravaging the world right now, I think I can be forgiven for feeling rage, sadness, fear, and anxiety. But right now while I’m trying to deal with an impending divorce, concern for the health of my friends and family, the significant fear of the unknown of what my life is going to be like in a few months, and the incredible isolation that I’ve been living for the last month – all I’m feeling today is numbness.
I’m purposely listening to sad songs to make me cry. I’m purposely listening to angry songs to make me rage. I’m purposely listening to uplifting and/or favorite songs to make me smile. But today, I’m just so damn numb.
What happens to all of us when the stay-at-home, shelter-in-place, social distancing orders are eased? Are we going to remain a society that is fearful of contact? Are we going to throw caution to the wind, virus be damned because I can finally interact with people again? Are we going to be somewhere in the middle? I wonder because as a soon-to-be single woman, I had already been deprived of physical affection for far too long. My husband who was relapsing had already shut me out for weeks as he spiraled away from me. I can no longer sit in the same room with the ladies of my support network. I haven’t been hugged in weeks. I haven’t been kissed in months. I am craving affection knowing that it could likely give me a virus that could quite literally kill me. This intense isolation combined with the weight of the world looming over my future has generated a numbness that is so all-encompassing today that I can scarcely concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes.