Paranoia, hope, and whatever’s in between

Now that I know that I can make pink melanoma, I’ve been obsessively looking at all my other moles, regardless of what color they are, what shape they are. I’m sure it’s going to be a lifelong obsession – along with trying to find the highest SPF sunscreen my body will tolerate.

Naturally, I’m a little concerned about another pink spot that just appeared on my cancerous right leg. It’s on my shin, a few inches from my foot. It doesn’t look like much but still… When I go to get the stitches out, of course I’m going to mention it. Hopefully I will sound like a rational adult rather than a hyperventilating freak when I do so.

It is funny how your mind can come up with the most outrageous things. Immediately, I was both annoyed with myself for jumping to the conclusion that this cancer is in another part of me without even getting the pathology report back yet and annoyed with myself for not being more concerned about it. How do you walk the line between being concerned and being a basket case?

I’m already thinking about how difficult it will be if they even have to try to cut the new spot out to test it. I mean, bone is right behind it. Honestly, there was a lot of flesh around my knee spot to take (and they did take a lot of it). But in my new spot’s spot, not so much… But cripes, it could just be a bit of psoriasis or even a reaction to all the cedar pollen floating around. I could be making myself crazy about something that really isn’t anything to be worried about. Is this my new normal?

The good thing, if you want to look at this with rose-colored glasses, is that I’m required to get a full skin check every three months for the next couple of years. Every three months is pretty often. It’s not like something can unexpected pop up and not get attention. I’m going to be very close personal friends with my dermatologist. But I still worry about something getting missed now. If I can grow pink melanoma, it’s possible I can grow regular melanoma, or blue melanoma, or even “invisible” flesh-colored melanoma (and that is actually a possibility, however rare). Is my superpower the ability to create abnormal cancer? Isn’t abnormal and cancer the same thing?

The other thing is that I’m worrying about what I’m going to do if the pathology reports comes back with not good news. I’m even thinking about formalizing my bucket list, you know, just in case. But if you really want to diplomatic about it, shouldn’t I be working on my bucket list even if I’m not staring Stage 3 or 4 melanoma in the face? Shouldn’t I be aggressively pursuing dreams and wishes anyway? Why would I be waiting for bad news from a doctor to start living the life I want to be living in the first place? Why do we only ask ourselves these questions at times like this instead of every morning when we wake up?

Look, I know melanoma is a pretty serious disease. But I also know that the survival rate for people with Stage 1 and 2 melanoma is pretty freaking high if it’s caught before it spreads. And until I have the pathology report, I have no way of knowing if it’s worse than Stage 2. So the reminder is that every day we live, we’re a little closer to dying any way. It’s never too early to start thinking about the kind of legacy you want to leave. But it’s never too late to make yourself happy and start living the life you want to lead…

Maybe I will formalize that bucket list after all…