Back to Ohio

So my dad was back in the hospital and I ended up booking a last-minute ticket to come back to Ohio to see him. Honestly, I didn’t know what was going to happen: if he would still be in the hospital or if he would be home. Fortunately, he’s home; but I have never seen him so frail. Quite frankly, it’s scary to see someone you love in that condition. He’s lost an incredible amount of weight. His balance is shot. And he suffers bouts of mental confusion. It’s absolutely heartbreaking – let alone mixing in the fact that my mom is continually on the verge of tears. While I love being an only child for the most part, it’s times like this that I sorely wish I had a sibling to help take some of the mental burden.

I am trying to find words to express how I’m feeling because this blog is a form of therapy for me. But right now, I’m finding it so difficult to put into words the fear I have that I will lose my dad before I’m ready; the anger that I have that he’s suffering so much and I can’t do anything to fix it; and the irritation that I have with certain people close to me who can’t seem to dig any empathy for what I’m going through out of their psyche.

I know I need to make sure to keep my mom and myself healthy through all of this. I’m just finding it so hard to do the right things right now. I didn’t really have a good caregiver when I was dealing with my melanoma (although fortunately, it wasn’t a situation that required much caregiving, I guess); but I have a whole new appreciation for the caregivers who devote so much time and energy to helping someone else through their bad stretches. So while I don’t like the whole “thoughts and prayers thing”, if you could send any of them in my mom’s direction, that would be much appreciated.