Grieving

There’s been a rather obvious reason why I’ve been so quiet on the blog… and although I think I’m usually really good at being able to bounce back fairly quickly from life’s hard knocks, losing my dad has really thrown me for a loop.

I’m not sure what even is normal in this situation. Today is my first day fully back to work and I am unable to concentrate for more than a few minutes on something before my mind wanders away. I haven’t really slept well or eaten regularly in the past month or so. And although I’m usually cracking bad jokes and laughing with people, I don’t remember the last time I genuinely smiled. I catch sight of myself in the mirror and I’m not sure I recognize that exhausted, sad woman.

I’m still planning on going on my birthday trip. I think it’s more important than ever for me to get away on my own. I spent so much of the past few weeks trying to be strong for my mom. I needed to try to take care of her and let her experience whatever she needed to go through without worrying about anything else. She has thanked me repeatedly and acknowledged how much I have helped her, which I appreciate because honestly I feel like nothing I do is going to be helpful right now. The only thing that would make things better is to have my dad back. And despite how stupid it sounds, I’m angry that I’m incapable of making that happen. So the only thing I was able to do was swallow my grief and “take care of things”… financial paperwork, insurance documents, setting up meetings with the hospital ombudsman to talk about the terrible nurse that verbally abused my dad (believe me, I know nurses have hard jobs and I appreciate the work they do; but this woman was evil incarnate and I fully intend to have her held accountable for her actions), planning and pulling off my dad’s celebration gathering, making sure my mom ate and slept…

Everyone kept telling me “how strong” I was and inside I was like – how in the world did you come to that conclusion? Strength is about controlling your tears until you’re alone? Strength is about plowing through a task list when all you want to do is curl into a ball and weep your eyes out? Strength is woodenly putting one foot in front of the other? If so, then maybe I’ve done a great job of fooling you that I’m strong; but in reality, I’m a little girl pounding my fists into the ground and wailing that this whole situation is not fair, I want my daddy back…

So I am grateful I will have a week and a half to be alone to be able to process and grieve on my own. I’m not expecting miracles and come out of the Canadian Maritimes being accepting and at peace with my loss. But I’m hoping that I’ll have a chance to deal with my loss on my own terms without worrying about freaking anyone else out with the depth of the emotions I’ve been suppressing so far. I’m hoping that for a few minutes of those Adam Ant concerts, I get to experience at least a shadow of the joy and fun I felt in previous shows (no pressure there at all, Adam and team). I’m hoping that sitting on a mountainside in Nova Scotia, I’ll be able to feel my dad’s presence with me, even if it’s for a split second.