Between dealing with my impending divorce, work, the chores needed to untangle my life from my soon-to-be-ex’s, getting the condo ready to put on the market, a busy work load, and the stay-at-home order I’ve been living under for the past month and a half – let’s just say I’ve got a lot going on.
The burden of the divorce and anything condo-related has fallen on my shoulders. My soon-to-be-ex is a selfish narcissist with addiction issues. And that means that the only things he will concentrate on, devote energy to, are those that he decides are important. So his addiction behaviors, “work” and his new apartment have apparently consumed all of his attention. Even simple things like docusigning the realtor listing paperwork for the condo is too much for him, claiming that he’s “too busy” to take the five minutes to complete the task. Meanwhile, I’ve scrubbed every inch of our condo; sorted through the remains of what he left me in the storage unit – doing the whole keep/donate/toss thing and making multiple trips to Salvation Army and then moving the pitiful keep pile into a smaller and cheaper unit until I figure out where to go next; researched and completed all of the paperwork for the divorce (all he has to do is sign, he doesn’t even have to take time off work for the final hearing); took over paying all of the bills; contacting the realtor to get the process moving to list the condo; and still working a busy full-time job. So forgive me when I tell you that I am tired of his excuses. I am tired of his abdication of his responsibilities. The only good thing is that this ridiculousness has helped me move into the anger stage of grieving the end of my marriage.
Of course, most soon-to-be-divorced people get to go out with their friends to blow off steam, talk trash about the other spouse, and be in a supportive environment. The pandemic and the stay-at-home orders have complicated lives for everyone. But it feels particularly acute for people in my situation, who are experiencing the double whammy of the greatest social distancing experiment in history combined with one of the greatest personal stressors – at the same exact f’ing time. My ex-husband-to-be has some of the most terrible timing in the world and he’s proven that yet again by falling off the wagon right as the pandemic effects were ramping into high gear in the United States. I can’t even sit face-to-face with anyone, let alone get a warm hug from anyone right now. I joke with my friends that at least I’m getting both horrible periods of my life done at once (classic overachiever move); but privately, I am a little worried about the toll the stress of everything that I’m currently managing (like a boss, I might add) will manifest itself with a new pink spot on my skin.
How have I been coping? Well for starters, my to-do list is saving my sanity. For both my personal and professional lives, I’ve been making copious to-do lists. Just the act of writing something down has helped me stress less about something falling through the cracks. I am seriously making every step of a task a line on the list, if for no other reason than to give me a small sense of accomplishment when I cross an item off as done.
Secondly, I’ve been journaling quite a bit. But Nicole, you ask, isn’t your blog your journal? Umm, no. My journal is filled with very messy, very angry, very sad, very emotional thoughts. Seriously, you think what I put in there will end up here? Don’t you know me by now? But the act of journaling has been therapeutic because I can put all of the things that I would want to say to my not-quite-ex-yet down on paper (not that he would listen to what I have to say because for pretty much our entire marriage, what I thought and felt weren’t as important as his thoughts and feelings and why start now to actually listen to me?) and get those things out. For so long, I had to repress my unhappiness with him, my sadness, my anger, my messy feelings because he could not and would not handle that. But it’s also helping me get out the things I want to say to myself, things that my inner voice had been telling me for years but my brain compartmentalized and then locked away during our relationship. That inner voice is getting center stage now and it’s got a lot to say out loud now…
And finally, I have been leaning heavily on friends. The act of being vulnerable and needing support has been supremely uncomfortable for me BUT it has also been extremely rewarding. It has shown me the depths of my friendships in a way that I never could before fathom and it has provided an eye-opening validation of how amazingly awesome my support network is. When you’re an awkward introvert who doesn’t share much in the way of personal stuff, when you’re a spouse of an addict who has to hold onto to so many secrets that you basically shut down emotionally, when you’re the one with the reputation for having your shit together, when you’re that person it’s really hard to open up after being so closed off for decades. My friends that I have taken into my confidence have been incredibly supportive, loving, and caring. I have such gratitude that these women are in my life. And when your life is spinning off its axis, the thought that there are people who have your back and want to help you get to a place of stability is comforting beyond words.
So I’m coping in what I think are healthy ways, ways that won’t damage my physical and mental health, ways that won’t give my body another excuse to generate more pink melanoma. The last thing I need right now is to get through this divorce process, to get through getting the condo sold, to get settled wherever my next phase of my life is going to unfold and then get another Loki making an appearance. Especially if I can’t find an eligible bachelor Chris-Hemsworth-look-alike to be by my side to help vanquish it…