This weird-ass Covid summer is simultaneously dragging ass and flying by. I couldn’t believe that the last post I wrote was back in May. So much has happened since then that it seems almost a lifetime ago. Granted, 2020 seems to have created a bizarre warp in the fabric of spacetime, but still!
Covid stay-at-home orders, the punch-drunk economy, and the protests against police brutality have conspired to keep me in my condo. There had been interested buyers but no one has pulled the trigger yet. Initially I was very anxious to get this place sold and get the hell out of Dodge but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that me being here actually hurts my ex in maybe the only way he cares about, financially. He has to pay half the mortgage, HOA, and utilities until it sells. So sometime in July, I stopped stressing about this place not being sold. It will sell when it sells and maybe the universe wants me to have some stability right now.
One of the best benefits from the divorce is my ability to focus on me and my needs. In the initial days of the separation, I started doing at-home walking videos on YouTube to get out some stress because I couldn’t get out to walk the nearby trails that had been closed due to the stay-at-home orders. God knows I needed an outlet for my anger and stress. But that feeling good after a workout morphed into me wanting to continue even when the high-intensity stress abated. In June, I discovered another YouTube workout series and roped a neighbor into being my virtual workout buddy. I work out pretty much every day now. I’m also being much more mindful about what I eat and drink. I’m not using food or alcohol to mask whatever dark feelings I have, like I did when I was married. As a consequence, I am down 50 pounds since March! Dare I say, I’m starting to look pretty damn good. I took a photo with a friend last week and I nearly didn’t recognize myself. I have more work to do but the physical transformation is incredibly exciting.
And the mental transformation is even more gratifying. As soon as the divorce was finalized, it was like a switch went off in my head. I was able to gain clarity on exactly the type of person my ex is and how toxic the relationship was. I saw that I excused a lot of his bad behavior on “immaturity” and put on rose-colored glasses, projecting good qualities onto him that he just didn’t possess. It provided a way to get distance and closure for myself, knowing that I will never get it from him. And that’s OK with me. While I still suffer with self-esteem issues, my friends have been amazingly supportive. I also joined a dating app last month and the response has been a massive ego boost. While online dating (let alone online dating in a freaking Covid pandemic) is still very awkward for me, I have met some interesting men. Most have just been message buddies but I have had a few in-person, social-distancing approved dates. Having my first first-date in over 20 years was a bit nerve-wracking, not gonna lie. But it was fun, although he is 16 years younger than I am so I knew it wasn’t going to be anything lasting. I apparently am a cougar because everyone that I’ve been casually seeing and/or chatting with so far is young enough that I could have babysat them. But it’s so freaking awesome to hear some hottie tell you how gorgeous you are. I’m telling you ladies, you need an ego boost, find yourself a young stud (just please make sure they’re above the legal age in your state).
When I filed for divorce in March, the clerk of courts who took my petition told me that I was going to be glad that I took the step and filed. And although rationally, I knew she had a point, I assumed it would take me years to get to that point. If you were to have told me in March that by August I would be as happy and content and satisfied with my life as I am right now, I would have scoffed at you. But here I am, killing it. Makes me wish I had done this years ago. Who knows, maybe alleviating the stress my marriage caused will help protect me from another bout with pink melanoma?