First time in the sun since the cancer diagnosis

Happy Valentine’s Day to those of you who celebrate. I’m in a weird place this year with the whole holiday. I guess it’s a good thing that we’re going to drive to San Antonio for a birthday party for a little boy who we didn’t think would make it to 3. He’s an adorable little guy who’s been so sick for most of the past year. I’m super healthy in comparison to him. When I think about all he’s been through at such a young age, I realize how fortunate I really am.

Tomorrow morning, we head to the Riveria Maya in Mexico. This trip is a result of the hubby landing a job, our 10th wedding anniversary, and a break from my months of madness. While I would have preferred a trip to an exotic locale or at least to a country that I already didn’t have a passport stamp from, I am grateful to be getting away and getting a break. I really need this. My only concern is that this is really going to be the first time that I’m somewhere sun-focused since my diagnosis.

I stood in the bathroom looking over my array of sunscreen and sunblock, trying to reason with myself. I know SPF 70 is one of the stronger ones out there, but I was seriously trying to figure out if I should go back out to the stores in search of something even higher. And then I was irritated with myself for not going online and buying a rash guard shirt. I had told myself I was going to get one and then all of a sudden, we’re leaving tomorrow. I know I’m going to want to get into the water at least once, and here I am not protecting myself to the max. Here I am, bitching about my husband’s young cousin not protecting herself and I’m not the paragon of virtue either. I know I’m going to be actively seeking shady spots and religiously slathering on sunblock every five minutes but still…

Don’t get me wrong, I’m really looking forward to being able to unplug and get away for a little bit. And I’m really looking forward to checking out the adults-only all-inclusive we’re booked at. But I’m also a little scared, if you want to know the truth. It seems ridiculous. But I’m scared of how I’m going to react in a place where being outside, in the sun, on the beach, at the pool, walking around, is the whole focus for the vacation. Am I going to be Debby Downer and bitch the whole time about UV rays? Am I going to be the exact opposite and throw caution and good sense to the wind? Will I be able to find a happy medium (which is my hope) of finding a shady spot where I can hear the waves breaking and read a book? I mean, I’ve never been the one to just lie on the beach and bake away anyway. I usually get  too restless and sweaty to do that. (And I’m not usually in crazy good physical shape to want to flaunt at the beach or pool either.) But if I get absorbed in a book, I can hang out all day in the shade and be content. Hopefully, this vacation won’t have me arguing with my husband over the cumulative UV beating my skin is taking. He seems to have selective amnesia about the recent few months sometimes. It was his idea to go to Mexico for a quick getaway and when he mentioned it, I know he wasn’t talking about checking out the museums in Mexico City. Hopefully I can be religious about applying sunscreen without being sanctimonious.

Wish me luck and I’ll fill in the details when I get back on Friday…