So my every-3-months follow-up appointment was yesterday. After getting into the gown and then being poked and prodded by the doctor, she said, “Well, we’re still watching a few spots but nothing needs to be biopsied right now.” Wait, what? Really? No bullet holes? No anxious waiting for a week for a phone call? No wondering if the weird spot I hadn’t been obsessing over for the past few months but now you’re cutting out is really another patch of melanoma? Can I really relax for a few months?
I feel a little guilty about not having anything to stress about when I know that others are grappling with news that their cancer might have spread. Is it odd to have survivors guilt? Is it wrong to feel such relief that I have a reprieve, even if it’s only for the next three months? I didn’t know the doctor was watching the spot on my back. I had been twisting around in the mirror trying to catch a glimpse of it and trying to tell myself that it wasn’t changing. But to hear her say it out loud was such a load off my shoulders.
She did spend a lot of time looking at my scar. And I didn’t mention the fact that about two weeks ago, my scar had begun to ache quite a bit. I was chalking it up to the fact that I had been kickboxing fairly regularly. And then, I noticed a blackish-reddish mark in the middle of my scar. I had assumed that it was maybe a stitch that had ripped and I bled under the surface. But it’s been there for a few weeks now. And when the doctor looked at it and then bent over my knee with the bright light, I have to admit, I was really nervous that she was going to say that we needed to check it out – that maybe my Loki hadn’t fully left the building back in December. She looked at the assistant in the room and said some medical term that wasn’t biopsy-related. I’m sure it’s been added to the catalogue of spots to keep an eye on, but the most important thing right now was that we didn’t have to cut open the scar to pull that patch out.
I don’t know what the next three-month appointment will bring. But I know right now, I have a weird mix of guilt and relief.