I generally try to keep an optimistic outlook. I mean, I’m a realist and know that most of the time the world sucks and all that; but I try not to dwell on that too much and look for the bright side. Because I know that if I get too down, it could very quickly spiral into angsty crap that puts me in a very bad place mentally. Fortunately for me (although I’m sure some therapists and psychologists may say otherwise), I can compartmentalize like a mofo. So usually when one part in my life goes off the rails, it doesn’t really impact me in other areas. Work life, home life, my health, family stuff, friend stuff – all of those go into their own little boxes and I only deal with them when I’m not going to have their contents bleed over into other areas…
Except now… now, I’m having a hard time getting all of those little boxes lined up and stay tidy. My dad is back in the hospital and although I’m getting on a plane tomorrow morning to go see him, I’m not sure how much time I’m going to have left with him. Despite my usual stoicism at work, I find myself becoming a weepy mess at my desk when no one else is around. I am really grateful that my desk is hidden in a corner.
And it just seems like a bunch of stuff is piling up on my psyche right now… I’m already so worried about my dad but I’m also worried about my cat who is not acting like her normal self, despite what the vet says (and yes, she is 14 years old and I know that’s old for a cat but seriously); my condo saga still has no resolution in sight in terms of getting the repairs scheduled; then I find out that a woman I grew up with who had been battling stage-4 breast cancer has gone into hospice this morning; and then I get to work to find out that an entire department has been laid off (and most of those ladies are friends in addition to colleagues); and then all of the ridiculous world events stuff that makes me feel like I’m living in some surreal version of “the decline of the Roman Empire in North America”. Plus, I’ve got some concerns about my own health I’ve been quietly dealing with for the past few weeks (and I’ll blog more about that once I actually know what’s going on, but suffice to say that I really don’t need to be dealing with anything health related right now).
So it feels like I’m just dealing with too much. And I’m finding it incredibly hard to concentrate at work, and I’ve already got too much on my plate work-wise as it is. I can feel the areas of my life bleeding over onto one another and that’s not good from my perspective. I don’t know how to manage the messiness because I am usually so capable of not being in this predicament. I get it, life is messy. But I’m feeling pretty down and I know that things will likely get worse before too long. So while I’m trying to remind myself that I have some great areas in my life and a few really good things to look forward too (spending time with my dad, joining a friend in Denver for a hair metal extravaganza/girl bonding time next weekend, my upcoming bday trip, and hopefully getting a clean bill of health after all of this – keep your fingers crossed for me on that), it’s still so very hard…
(Well damn, when I said this blog was my therapy, I didn’t think I was going to mean it so literally… )