I’m looking out of my window and it’s been this weird misty fog every morning here in Austin for the last week or so. Sometimes, it burns off in the afternoon. Sometimes, it lingers all day. Usually the weather in October here is glorious but so far this month, it’s been highly unusual.
But maybe this weather is perfect for me and my state of mind. Instead of being distracted by bright, sunshiny weather (and scrambling to find sunscreen to reapply), the gloomy weather is helping me do some fairly deep thinking about things.
When I was diagnosed with melanoma, I had a few weeks of worrying about the prognosis – waiting for the results of my excision. During that time, I realized that I wasn’t really living in a way that made me happy. That I was delaying doing things I enjoyed out of some weird twisted sense of duty.
And now after my dad’s passing, I’m in the same contemplative mood. I think about what I’m doing with my life and wondering if I’m just going through the motions. Is this one of those life-altering moments for me? Or is this the standard, garden variety midlife crisis? Adam Ant isn’t currently on tour and that apparently is my midlife crisis solution…Should I go buy a red sports car (ha, so I could get stuck sitting in Austin traffic)? Should I look for a new job? Should I just do the usual female thing and cut my hair? Honestly, none of those things sound good to me. None of those options would really change my life (well, maybe a new job would).
There’s a hawk that’s been flying all around my building today, swooping straight down and then catching a thermal to ride up into the clouds. I’m fascinated by it. It is living its life without any angst of “what is my purpose”. It’s just being a hawk and not even a hunting hawk right now, but one enjoying the freedom of flight and the ability to soar along on the air currents. I’m envious of its ability to be doing exactly what it is meant to be doing. Heck, I can’t even articulate what it is that I’m meant to do. I know there are people who’ve figured that out… and I’m jealous as hell right now.